Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
