So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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