I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
