Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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