Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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