weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
