Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
