I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
