Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
