You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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