It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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