I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
