I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
