my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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