She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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