I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you mean i was at the winter classic?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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