My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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