dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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