apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
