Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
