I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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