Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
