the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
