she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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