Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
