She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
