Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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