If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
