new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Lo siento on account of my penis...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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