I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
