Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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