I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
