Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
