there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
