last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
