Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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