The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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