Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
