So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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