I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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