Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize