I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
