Me. At least after what I've been through.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
