On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
