Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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