WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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