You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
