Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
