I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
