my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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