I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
They are going to name an STD after you.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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