I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
