im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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