NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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