I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
