I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So squirting runs in the family.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
