apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
The ass gains better be worth it
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