Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
