I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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