i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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